Weblog
Monday, 02 February 2009
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you
your the one that makes me sad and pissed off...
why do you promise so many things... like you'll call or put pictures up....
all those broken promises... keeps me waiting by the phone or stay online... or just literally stay at home all day
you dont even give a fcuk... which i hate.. your like what is wrong... how stupid can you be.... do i have to explain what is wrong... can't you even have a clue... or sit there and just think what could i have done wrong?
these days I sit here thinking... am i making the right decisions for myself...? am i doing this all for you.... am I too into you ... is that what is causing these problems... I'm starting to think should I back out of this job offer and not go to you.. I'm not so sure anymore.. I'm scared that even if I go there... it will still be empty promises just like before...
ps I really hate that song on your phone.. its about breaking up.... is that what you really want... then just tell me....
maybe it will make everything feel better...
you say somebody else did it for you... but if someone else did and you dont like the song then change it....
or learn how to change it.. you've had over a month now...
Saturday, 24 January 2009
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jealous... losing touch
my boyfriend went out with a girl.. actually a girl who went to elementry with her....
ah it upsets me when he gives me details of how he dresses up... ah... just a way to make my brain think and think what if...
it upset me yes.. but what can i do really being 6000 miles away...
also he doesnt even say i love you, i miss you, or gives me phone or webcam kissess....
it just makes me sad... maybe he doesnt care.... or even bother to say it...
i sometimes think am i doing the right thing waiting for him. going there to see him just for a month.. but end up working for a year...
something i feel like i'm doing the wrong thing.... sigh...
Sunday, 18 January 2009
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just tired
i'm so tired of being the one always waiting and hoping...
he always promises that he will call
he always promises that he will post new pictures of himself online
he always promises something...
instead i wish he would not promise anything anymore..
it just gives me false hope and keeps me waiting up at night until 4-8 AM in the morning....
you know its been three weeks... i'm so sick of it....now....
it drives me crazy just waiting and thinking... ahhh....
but then again i must be a fool just to expect something...
either that or I just expect too much out of him...
which is it?
Sunday, 11 January 2009
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lost/ stuck
my job interview went well.. I was accepted but i love the company and the pay is reasonable for a start but my heart is just no in it... I really want to take a job in his country.... I am waiting to hear word but it is taking a while... it may be a month before I hear something.... also when I get to his country he might not be there to see me...which makes me sadder since he's going to the army...
argh these days i just want to make excuses to get mad at him.... ahhh.. i feel like I am more into him than he is into me... maybe that hurts or bugs me....
what should i do take the job overseas later when the offer comes through or take the job now... I have only until monday to reply... so lost... teaching overseas would be a crazy experience... I have no idea if my body could take the new enviroment... I am prone to being bus, subway, car, boat... everything motion sick... last time i went i was really sick... i'm worried but I think with my new strength at heart I would be ok.. or I would have to adapt to be ok....
I think the main reason i want to take the job in his country is because i want to see him so badly and that I let him leave knowing that I would go there for a year... from that my heart knew I would at least survive the loneliness and heartache of not having him here next to me....
just the thought of not being able to see him kills me inside... if I had known that I would just be dead i guess inside...
what would be the best choice... take the job in the u.s. or go overseas... =(... choices so little time....
i know the choice i make now will make a world of a difference.. it so hard to choose.......
Thursday, 08 January 2009
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I'd like to thank those who left me messages! Thank you... makes me feel a bit better knowing i'm not the only one going through this kind of situation...thank you thank you thank you!
I talked with my boyfriend... i think not talking alot or not seeing him online is what drives me crazier...
I know its me being selfish... I know he has better things to do without me there....
I'm waiting for a job offer to come through so I can be with him in his country.... at least one step closer...!
We'll see.. I hate these waiting games....
waiting for him to call
waiting for job offer # 1
waiting for job offer #2
ahh just waiting spending my time at home.... i wish i had some temporary job... but that job offer doesnt seem to be coming through for me....
sigh... what to do with all that time wasted...
tornstandingstill
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- Member Since: 12/14/2008
