tornstandingstill's Datingish

you

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 09:40:14 GMT

your the one that makes me sad and pissed off...

why do you promise so many things... like you'll call or put pictures up....

all those broken promises... keeps me waiting by the phone or stay online... or just literally stay at home all day

you dont even give a fcuk... which i hate.. your like what is wrong... how stupid can you be.... do i have to explain what is wrong... can't you even have a clue... or sit there and just think what could i have done wrong?

these days I sit here thinking... am i making the right decisions for myself...? am i doing this all for you.... am I too into you ... is that what is causing these problems... I'm starting to think should I back out of this job offer and not go to you.. I'm not so sure anymore.. I'm scared that even if I go there... it will still be empty promises just like before...

ps I really hate that song on your phone.. its about breaking up.... is that what you really want... then just tell me....

maybe it will make everything feel better...

you say somebody else did it for you... but if someone else did and you dont like the song then change it....

or learn how to change it.. you've had over a month now...

jealous... losing touch

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 05:20:15 GMT

my boyfriend went out with a girl.. actually a girl who went to elementry with her....

ah it upsets me when he gives me details of how he dresses up... ah... just a way to make my brain think and think what if...

it upset me yes.. but what can i do really being 6000 miles away...

also he doesnt even say i love you, i miss you, or gives me phone or webcam kissess....

it just makes me sad... maybe he doesnt care.... or even bother to say it...

i sometimes think am i doing the right thing waiting for him. going there to see him just for a month.. but end up working for a year...

something i feel like i'm doing the wrong thing.... sigh...

just tired

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 11:08:11 GMT

i'm so tired of being the one always waiting and hoping...

he always promises that he will call

he always promises that he will post new pictures of himself online

he always promises something...

instead i wish he would not promise anything anymore..

it just gives me false hope and keeps me waiting up at night until 4-8 AM in the morning....

you know its been three weeks... i'm so sick of it....now....

it drives me crazy just waiting and thinking... ahhh....

but then again i must be a fool just to expect something...

either that or I just expect too much out of him...

which is it?

lost/ stuck

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 09:56:38 GMT

my job interview went well.. I was accepted but i love the company and the pay is reasonable for a start but my heart is just no in it... I really want to take a job in his country.... I am waiting to hear word but it is taking a while... it may be a month before I hear something.... also when I get to his country he might not be there to see me...which makes me sadder since he's going to the army...

argh these days i just want to make excuses to get mad at him.... ahhh.. i feel like I am more into him than he is into me... maybe that hurts or bugs me....

what should i do take the job overseas later when the offer comes through or take the job now... I have only until monday to reply... so lost... teaching overseas would be a crazy experience... I have no idea if my body could take the new enviroment... I am prone to being bus, subway, car, boat... everything motion sick... last time i went i was really sick... i'm worried but I think with my new strength at heart I would be ok.. or I would have to adapt to be ok....

I think the main reason i want to take the job in his country is because i want to see him so badly and that I let him leave knowing that I would go there for a year... from that my heart knew I would at least survive the loneliness and heartache of not having him here next to me....

just the thought of not being able to see him kills me inside... if I had known that I would just be dead i guess inside...

what would be the best choice... take the job in the u.s. or go overseas... =(... choices so little time....

i know the choice i make now will make a world of a difference.. it so hard to choose.......

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 07:41:38 GMT

I'd like to thank those who left me messages! Thank you... makes me feel a bit better knowing i'm not the only one going through this kind of situation...thank you thank you thank you!

I talked with my boyfriend... i think not talking alot or not seeing him online is what drives me crazier...

I know its me being selfish... I know he has better things to do without me there....

I'm waiting for a job offer to come through so I can be with him in his country.... at least one step closer...!

We'll see.. I hate these waiting games....

waiting for him to call

waiting for job offer # 1

waiting for job offer #2

ahh just waiting spending my time at home.... i wish i had some temporary job... but that job offer doesnt seem to be coming through for me....

sigh... what to do with all that time wasted...

splitting headaches and stomach in knots.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 06:41:30 GMT

i feel so sick inside.. my head hurts terribly and my stomach just keeps ending up in knots....

I had a job interview today.... the people were nice but all they complained about was how bad the economy is.... I know it is bad but everytime they talked about it in my mind I was thinking can these people really pay me...?

I left them in my options card and I have another interview so its okay i guess

I don't know what to do about these headaches... I feel like i'm spinning and i've just lost myself....

funny to think of it reminds me of my username tornstandingstill.... that is exactly how i feel...

waiting around for him to call... I know he's super busy really not doing anything but meeting people...

it really makes me sad.... writing here seems to make my body feel so much better.. maybe the lack of communication with people has led to my body hurting... who knows...

I don't know how much longer I can standing waiting for him to call... it seems like I end up calling him more....

I think it will take some time before my mind and heart gives up waiting... I shouldnt just sit here hoping he'd call... why can't I just give up... its not like we broke up... were just really far apart... in a different time zones....

sigh....

he left

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 08:59:22 GMT

it was so sad for me... i tried not crying in front him knowing it was as difficult for him as it was for me...

most of the time i've been sitting in my room crying...

I feel like i'm starting to lose my mind cooped up in here...

been trying to get a job to keep me busy... but no luck so far.. we'll see what happens soon...

he's been really busy.. he tells me that he'll be online or he'll call me in 2 hours or so. it never happens... even if i'm up till 5am waiting for him to call or be online....

it makes me sad that i'm doing this to myself... I know he's like 17hrs off track of my time.....

its really difficult to match his time with mine... i feel like i'm hurting myself waiting for him.. i've been doing this for the last 7 days... wow its been a week... (suprises even me)....

sigh.... i just don't know what to do.. i think i'm losing my mind...

as tears are falling

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 10:09:41 GMT

my heart still hurts... I have 14 full days before he leaves.. sigh

I had a talk with my mom she just laughs at me and says lets talk later... it really reaffirms that I really regret the decisions I have made..

maybe i'm just so full of myself that I do not listen to people.. maybe this is what I get for hurting my boyfriend...

I mean who would want to get married with a girl where the girls parents show disliking to a boyfriend..

I feel like karma is getting back at me..

today he confessed to me that he would have broken up with me in june/july when I asked my parents... he said he had strong thoughts of breaking up... I never thought that would occur.... it breaks me heart entirely hearing that..

I'm really afraid of sending him away.. I'm scared of what would happen and how I would react.... I'm afraid of where my mind would take me when a million thoughts are racing through my mind...

him leaving does not mean that we are over... it just means we won't be seeing each other in person... there are other ways like internet, phone, skype, and snail mail we can communicate with...

I"m so afraid (do you get it I really am scared for my life point)... of losing him in any way or part..

its true he could go there and meet a person that is 100x better than me... I feel like I won't find anything better than him...

when he gets there I really don't know what his plans are....

I am really praying in my mind and to god that he will give me strength to endure this difficult time in my mind and soul.... he was my everything, my best friend... I don't know what to say...

I was strongly thinking about moving to his country to teach English.. I'm about to go tomorrow and submit the application... then in about two months I could spend my time with him on weekends... but he would be busy being in the army and all...

my parents stand in the way of this... maybe not so much... but my brother's away at the army for another six years... i'm there only other child... they are just getting older every year...

also my dog... which I love dearly also but is growing old.. i'm scared of losing him too.. he's been my best friend also always been there when I was having trouble.. all he gives me is his love and affection... I am grateful for it.. even if he seem like a marley inside...

also the pay that I will receive from working there...pretty much it translates as if I make 1500 dollars I lose 500 dollars... i'm losing money as a I make money because of the exchange rates... I think this is not best since I need to make as much as possible to pay my bills... I'm also afraid of going to that country since last time I went I got really nauseous and could not stand keeping food or drinks down in my stomach... I probably lost 20lbs in 2 weeks last time I went... I don't know how long I would last there...

that begs the questions how long would I last here without him...

I really requested to him that he hurries up and goes to the army and I should hurry up and file some papers for him to get him requested here as soon as possible through immigration...

or right now I feel like before he leaves I should marry him now... 10 years of waiting is a very long time... that is how long he cannot come back into the u.s....i'm afraid.... if you have any comments to share to help i'm all open...

first entry... where i am now

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 10:30:12 GMT

let me start off by saying I love my boyfriend....

I started this in hopes of writing down my feelings through this tough process..... I really haven't had a place to write out my thoughts and feelings... I feel lost, hurt, deep inside I love him.. at times I wish I had made better decisions for me and him so that we can be together..

what I mean by together is really just be together be near each other... in 15 days that will not become a reality at all....

we first met.. when his friend had made a plan to get us to all meet up for dinner...I guess it was a dinner hookup... me and my boyfriend ended up hooking up... not right away... I was going through a breakup.. which was easy for me since the guy was really abusive... so I felt it was right... at first I really did not know he had feelings for me or anything till he gave me a call...

of course at the meet up for dinner I was drinking like crazy... so he drank too... later did i find out that he could hardly drink at all... one drink would get him drunk.... as soon as i left he was throwing up in the parking lot... then when he got home he called... I was first confused why he had called.. he had asked if I had gotten home okay... I said yes.... don't remember much after.. but i knew i had butterflies in my stomach.... it felt like i had fallen in love again..sighz

we decided to watch a movie and have our first date.... watched phonebooth and ate at a cold noodle house...

everything was great... after that we went on a trip to palm springs and really get to know each other...

on the way back we stopped by irvine spectrum.. there he asked me out and from then on it was on...

till now 5 years +

if you ask me 5 years is an awful long time... I still love him with all my heart..

at times I just feel my heart, mind, and soul just loves tormenting me..... I really don't understand the things I do at times... get upset at him, stuff like that... I really do love him care for him always want to be by his side...

recently I had reasons to push us to getting married.. his visa keeping him here expires and I told my parents that I want to get married.... they were not thrilled about it... they didnt like his family very much... they came up with so many excuses to say no.. it was really hard on me... I was torn apart.... I was hoping it was ever after..

it was the toughest split in my mind...my parents wishes or being with my boyfriend forever...

I really did not want to get married without my parents blessings... i felt like it would haunt me the rest of my life..

right now when I look back and reflect... I really started to question what I was doing... why i chose that decision...

If i were to start over again.. I would have just gotten married with no ifs and butts about it... I really regret it...

it hurts me so much that it keeps me up at night thinking about it....

I thought it would be fine if we get married in another 5-10 years... but it really scares me that what ifs in life..

I feel like he may be my only hope for true happiness because I am really happy and in love with him..

but you get your insecurities and doubts about things... I just hope for the best... but just hoping does not promise me anything... overall I am just really afraid... deep inside my heart that I may lose him for good by not marrying him and letting him go back to his country.... alot of people blame me... it hurts... i just dont know what to do...

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 09:48:52 GMT

my relationship moving on 5+ years... big changes ahead..

needed a place to keep my mind/pain!