i feel so sick inside.. my head hurts terribly and my stomach just keeps ending up in knots....

I had a job interview today.... the people were nice but all they complained about was how bad the economy is.... I know it is bad but everytime they talked about it in my mind I was thinking can these people really pay me...?

I left them in my options card and I have another interview so its okay i guess

I don't know what to do about these headaches... I feel like i'm spinning and i've just lost myself....

funny to think of it reminds me of my username tornstandingstill.... that is exactly how i feel...

waiting around for him to call... I know he's super busy really not doing anything but meeting people...

it really makes me sad.... writing here seems to make my body feel so much better.. maybe the lack of communication with people has led to my body hurting... who knows...

I don't know how much longer I can standing waiting for him to call... it seems like I end up calling him more....

I think it will take some time before my mind and heart gives up waiting... I shouldnt just sit here hoping he'd call... why can't I just give up... its not like we broke up... were just really far apart... in a different time zones....

sigh....

my heart still hurts... I have 14 full days before he leaves.. sigh

I had a talk with my mom she just laughs at me and says lets talk later... it really reaffirms that I really regret the decisions I have made..

maybe i'm just so full of myself that I do not listen to people.. maybe this is what I get for hurting my boyfriend...

I mean who would want to get married with a girl where the girls parents show disliking to a boyfriend..

I feel like karma is getting back at me..

today he confessed to me that he would  have broken up with me in june/july when I asked my parents... he said he had strong thoughts of breaking up... I never thought that would occur.... it breaks me heart entirely hearing that..

I'm really afraid of sending him away.. I'm scared of what would happen and how I would react.... I'm afraid of where my mind would take me when a million thoughts are racing through my mind...

him leaving does not mean that we are over... it just means we won't be seeing each other in person... there are other ways like internet, phone, skype, and snail mail we can communicate with...

I"m so afraid (do you get it I really am scared for my life point)... of losing him in any way or part..

its true he could go there and meet a person that is 100x better than me... I feel like I won't find anything better than him...

when he gets there I really don't know what his plans are....

I am really praying in my mind and to god that he will give me strength to endure this difficult time in my mind and soul.... he was my everything, my best friend... I don't know what to say...

I was strongly thinking about moving to his country to teach English.. I'm about to go tomorrow and submit the application... then in about two months I could spend my time with him on weekends... but he would be busy being in the army and all...

my parents stand in the way of this... maybe not so much... but my brother's away at the army for another six years... i'm there only other child... they are just getting older every year...

also my dog... which I love dearly also but is growing old.. i'm scared of losing him too.. he's been my best friend also always been there when I was having trouble.. all he gives me is his love and affection... I am grateful for it.. even if he seem like a marley inside...

also the pay that I will receive from working there...pretty much it translates as if I make 1500 dollars I lose 500 dollars... i'm losing money as a I make money because of the exchange rates... I think this is not best since I need to make as much as possible to pay my bills... I'm also afraid of going to that country since last time I went I got really nauseous and could not stand keeping food or drinks down in my stomach... I probably lost 20lbs in 2 weeks last time I went... I don't know how long I would last there...

that begs the questions how long would I last here without him...

I really requested to him that he hurries up and goes to the army and I should hurry up and file some papers for him to get him requested here as soon as possible through immigration...

or right now I feel like before he leaves I should marry him now... 10 years of waiting is a very long time... that is how long he cannot come back into the u.s....i'm afraid.... if you have any comments to share to help i'm all open...