Sunday, 14 December 2008
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first entry... where i am now
let me start off by saying I love my boyfriend....
I started this in hopes of writing down my feelings through this tough process..... I really haven't had a place to write out my thoughts and feelings... I feel lost, hurt, deep inside I love him.. at times I wish I had made better decisions for me and him so that we can be together..
what I mean by together is really just be together be near each other... in 15 days that will not become a reality at all....
we first met.. when his friend had made a plan to get us to all meet up for dinner...I guess it was a dinner hookup... me and my boyfriend ended up hooking up... not right away... I was going through a breakup.. which was easy for me since the guy was really abusive... so I felt it was right... at first I really did not know he had feelings for me or anything till he gave me a call...
of course at the meet up for dinner I was drinking like crazy... so he drank too... later did i find out that he could hardly drink at all... one drink would get him drunk.... as soon as i left he was throwing up in the parking lot... then when he got home he called... I was first confused why he had called.. he had asked if I had gotten home okay... I said yes.... don't remember much after.. but i knew i had butterflies in my stomach.... it felt like i had fallen in love again..sighz
we decided to watch a movie and have our first date.... watched phonebooth and ate at a cold noodle house...
everything was great... after that we went on a trip to palm springs and really get to know each other...
on the way back we stopped by irvine spectrum.. there he asked me out and from then on it was on...
till now 5 years +
if you ask me 5 years is an awful long time... I still love him with all my heart..
at times I just feel my heart, mind, and soul just loves tormenting me..... I really don't understand the things I do at times... get upset at him, stuff like that... I really do love him care for him always want to be by his side...
recently I had reasons to push us to getting married.. his visa keeping him here expires and I told my parents that I want to get married.... they were not thrilled about it... they didnt like his family very much... they came up with so many excuses to say no.. it was really hard on me... I was torn apart.... I was hoping it was ever after..
it was the toughest split in my mind...my parents wishes or being with my boyfriend forever...
I really did not want to get married without my parents blessings... i felt like it would haunt me the rest of my life..
right now when I look back and reflect... I really started to question what I was doing... why i chose that decision...
If i were to start over again.. I would have just gotten married with no ifs and butts about it... I really regret it...
it hurts me so much that it keeps me up at night thinking about it....
I thought it would be fine if we get married in another 5-10 years... but it really scares me that what ifs in life..
I feel like he may be my only hope for true happiness because I am really happy and in love with him..
but you get your insecurities and doubts about things... I just hope for the best... but just hoping does not promise me anything... overall I am just really afraid... deep inside my heart that I may lose him for good by not marrying him and letting him go back to his country.... alot of people blame me... it hurts... i just dont know what to do...
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